fun fat girl

well...i just had a realization...and i needed to process...so if you'll allow me...

i am a fun fat girl. 
   i like to bake cookies.
      i usually go for a second brownie.
         i make people laugh with my rebellious attitude toward my 'points'.
            corpse pose and child's pose are my favorite.
               (for the non-yoga set that translates to lying on the floor...not moving...)

i am not lazy. 
i even sort of like my 'curvy' figure.  (that's a word fat girls use to feel better about themselves...lol!

honestly...i don't have a huge issue with my weight.  i am awesome.  Jesus loves me.  that's all i need.

ok...but i'm not at a healthy place...and i just turned 30.  so i probably should make some baby steps toward getting myself under control. 

i have 2 major struggles though.  1 of them is jiggling.  i can't handle it.  when i jog down the road and my belly jiggles my pants off...  ...or even better... ...jumping jacks...  ...BAHAHAHA!

secondly...i'm a fun fat girl...
like someone who is a really fun drunk gets addicted to the way alcohol impacts their interactions i really like the way my attitude toward indulgence and my body colors my relationships (other than the one with my mother...but that's a whoooole 'nother post...and may require censorship).  i have a lot of friends that have struggled at one time or another with despising themselves...the beautiful creations that they are.  so i try to lead by example and even though i am super-thick...i love me.  and they love me...and maybe it helps them love themselves a little more.

but now it sounds idiotic..."i'm fat because it helps people"...yeah...it's pretty dumb.

at the same time...skinny people make me want to vomit...especially those that were heavy and have worked hard to become thin.  it's like an obsession.  they aren't any fun...they don't eat dessert...they are always posting how many miles they ran or how many pounds they have lost like the rest of the world should revolve around their hard work and weight loss...

but...these are first world problems...

go ahead and tell me to get over myself...thanks...i needed that.

i'm going to continue to work toward a healthier...albeit not very fun...lifestyle...and i'd appreciate any comments (good, bad, whatever)

and i promise to not post exclusively about my ominous sounding "weight loss journey"  and i will try to find a way to make celery and carrot sticks fun...

friends share

so...i have a really awesome friend/mentor...i just had to say that.  and this post will make her laugh...but it's not really about her...even though it is...lol...only she will understand that.

she recently introduced me to goodgreens bars...they are delish...and super good for you...and made in ohio...brilliant!

she has been the source of copious excellent parenting tips...including...but not limited to... "he'll be fine."  ...which a paranoid new mommy needs to hear quite often and rarely truly believes.

more importantly though...she shares Jesus with me.

you see...i'm ravenous for Jesus.  i am a truth glutton.  i am a glory to God gourmet.

i am a little unconventional...and see things in an extremely abstract way. 

it would be amazing if more people would share Jesus...even little tidbits of what He's done thru the day or the delish morsels...mmm...

you know...proverbs talks about gossip as a choice morsel...i wonder...if people would fill their friendship conversations with the main course of Jesus...maybe they would snack a little less on the garbage gossip...interesting...

come to think of it...the relationships in which i struggle with gossip or 'ranting' are also the relationships that i'm hesitant to share Jesus...

i guess my mouth just has to be filled with something...

any thoughts?

fat girls of the worrrld...UNITE!

i went shopping yesterday...

and somehow i ended up feeling like julia roberts in pretty woman...i had money...but no one would help me...

i went into one store and not a single sales associate acknowledged me with anything other than a whisper.  so i looked around...and realized that there wasn't a single item in the store that would fit me.  everything was made for stick figure women...(with the exception of the scarves by the register)...

so then i went to the fat girl store.  now...i'm okay with me...really i am.  but i could not bring myself to buy anything in the fat girl store...there wasn't a natural fiber in the whole store...everything was bright and bold and cruise ship-colorful...which would be fine...but i'm not going on a cruise. 

what is it with the world wanting fat girls to look crazy?

i ended up getting what i needed...in the maternity store...(most of my weight is baby weight after all...even if he's a year old).

the associate was helpful...she asked me if i needed anything as i walked in the door...and then as i checked out she asked me when my due date was...i thought about it for a second...and then i made one up...except...i even failed at that...i told her i was due in february...(do the math...february is 10 months away...)

...it was a rough time...

and i won't even get into the 3 lettuce leaf salad i had for lunch...

fat girls of the worrrld...unite!

i screwed up...

well...i missed a big opportunity...completely screwed up.

i took my kids to the mall today to practice their obedience in a public yet controlled setting.  (we've been having trouble with quick obedience and i would like to take the kids to the zoo soon...so we needed to work on it in a place where i felt like a mistake on their part wouldn't lead to kidnapping or being eaten by a lion.)

anyway...after a few hours of meandering thru stores coaching my kids' behavior and reminding the older 3 to hold on the the stroller...ask before they walk away to look at something...wait patiently as i look at the clearance racks...gracefully share a soda...say hello and goodbye to clerks and security...they were doing really well. 

several people commented on their excellent behavior...i was lavishing praise on both my kids and Father's grace...it was a good day.  but then i screwed up.

in the parking lot a woman who had been shopping with her mother was loading her expensive, clean, beautiful suv full of luxury items...i didn't even realize that all those details registered until i just typed them...evidently i'm more shallow than i even knew...(thanks Jesus for your mercy).

anyway...her mother started commenting on how wonderful my kids were...and how terrible her daughter's 2 1/2 year old was...for just a split second i thought about how terrible i would feel if my mom said stuff like that right in front of me...but i disregarded the Spirit inspired compassion and started talking about me. 

sigh.  sometimes...it's all about me.

i talked about how great my kids were...how great my husband is...our methods of correction...the hard work behind our parenting...the tips and tricks that my mentor offers...all good things...i think i even mentioned how faithful God has been to us...

sigh...it really just makes me sick...

the mom was eating it up...agreeing with every word...piping in with ooos and aahs...and saying to her daughter, "she's really got it right".  i even thought about giving her my number in case she wanted to call for ideas...(i'm so glad i didn't!)

you see...it's not that i did anything 'wrong' i was just incredibly insensitive. 

that poor mom...with a kid the same age of mine...i don't know her story.  she could be an incredible mom with a son that will be diagnosed with developmental delays that she has no control over.  she may be a single mom...or have a husband that opposes her attempts at discipline. 

whatever the case...it was clear that what she needed was encouragement...encouragement that she was doing well and that she was exactly the mom her active little boy needed.  she needed to hear a "good job" from her mom...and from the complete stranger with 'perfect' kids in the mall parking lot.

but i screwed up...i made it all about me...

she probably won't ever read this...or maybe she will...either way...if i get another chance...i will not exalt myself...i will choose instead to lift up others.

embrace and create

I spoke at MOPS this week...aaand this is what i said (pretty much)...

 

I was prepared to talk about postpartum depression…after it nearly cost me my marriage, my children and my life…I felt pretty good about encouraging you all…but then…I was praying and realized…you’ve all had kids.  And survived…just like me.

So I scrapped that one…

Then I was prepared to talk about re-discovering your previous identity…and I reminisced about how amazing I was before I got married and had kids…but then…I was praying and realized…that it is impossible to discover my previous identity…because…it’s not like some big bad dragon has locked her up in his tower and I have to go 4 little dragons and then level up and fight the big bad dragon that stole her away.  No…I chose this life…

So I scrapped that one too…

All I have for you is what I am going thru right now…I’m hardly an expert…I’m right in the middle of it…right beside you.

 

During my affair with postpartum depression a wonderful person told me that depression almost always stems from one thing…irreversible change.

It’s irreversible. 

You can’t go back so you get bummed.  Or…there is another choice.

You can embrace and create.

 …so then…I was praying and realized…it’s spring. 

It’s the time of planting and growing and creating…how wonderful!

 

So I can’t go back and be the amazing woman that I was before I got married and had kids…neither can you.

Those amazing women are gone. Forever.  Let’s just take one second to mourn…

Ok…so now what? 

 

We embrace and create.

 

And I’m still figuring that one out.

Here are some little tips that I have gathered along the way.

·        You were created by God…formed in your mother’s womb with His perfect plan in mind.  He also formed your child in your womb…in YOUR womb.  He could have chosen any womb to incubate that little blood sucker…but He picked yours.  You’ve got the stuff to raise this kid into EXACTLY what He wants them to be.

 

·        Cry…just cry.  That way people know that you don’t have it all together and that you need help.  If they think you have it all together they won’t offer and you’d better not sit around in private whining that no one ever helps you…it’s your own fault…admit to yourself and others that you can’t do it alone…and when you are overwhelmed…it’s okay to cry.

 

·        Along with that last one…choose to laugh.  Every time I have gotten pregnant I have laughed like a nutcase…(you should have heard me on the ultrasound table when they told me I was having twins).

 

 

·        God isn’t shocked by your feelings.  He is omniscient.  So it’s okay to tell him that you are angry with him…it’s okay to tell him that you feel overwhelmed and scared.  It’s okay to tell him that you are broken hearted.  He knows who He is and His self-esteem doesn’t rely on your opinion.  His love doesn’t rely on your opinion either.  His love is completely unconditional, unending and unwavering.  Get real with God and He will get more real with you.

 

·        Lower your expectations just a smidge.  A great counselor once told me ‘don’t should on yourself and don’t let others should on you either.’

 

·        Yes…you will have ‘bad mom moments’…I do…our mothers did…our grandmothers did…somehow humanity survives.  Ask your children for forgiveness…forgive yourself…move on.

 

 

·        Your kids are also going to have bad moments…allow them to be human.  Encourage them to ask for forgiveness…encourage them to forgive themselves…move on.

 

·        Model the behavior you want to see in your children…I have noticed my kids whining…(I hate that)…then I noticed my husband and I complaining one night…so I have to change me first.  Before I can expect my kids to change…

 

 

·        Take time outs.  Get away.  Even if it’s just grocery shopping…

 

·        Have a ‘safe place’.  One person that you can bounce your feelings off of.  One person that won’t judge…but also that won’t let you get bogged down in gossip, lies, or discouragement.  This person also has to be someone that will lift you up in prayer.

 

·        Do not compare yourself to others.  You were created to be unique and valuable.  Hand sculpted…not mass produced. 

 

·        Offer what you have gone thru to someone else…my best friend just went thru postpartum depression…thankfully I was able to be a constant reminder that your children’s infanthood …no matter how difficult… is survivable.

 

 

·        Give other moms a break!  Have a little grace for those of us that are still figuring things out and for those of us that are using a ‘terrible horrible no good very bad day card’.

 

·        God doesn’t make mistakes and isn’t surprised by anything.  Things change and it may not be quite like we’d hoped…and at any point those disappointments can lead to depression…financial difficulty, health problems, behavioral or psychological diagnoses, just having your kid not quite behave the way you want them to in public can lead to depression…just remember…God isn’t surprised…He’s got it all under control.

 

·        Pray about one or two ‘life goals’ in addition to your mothering and take baby steps leading you in that direction…

 

 

So…I can’t be who I was and you can’t be who you were…but you can be someone else…someone just as amazing as she was…or maybe even better.